randos.

i love yogurt....but i can't eat it fast or i want to puke.

i wish someone would pay me for my opinions, that would be so awesome.

i love tuesday nights, i get to play indoor soccer...it makes me feel like everything is right in the world.

look what my boss got me for admin appreciation day. BIG SMILES.

interesting turns.

since november my life has taken many interesting turns. i guess i could say since july since that is when i moved, but from july to november where planned changes, crazy times and foreseen bumps in the road.

so as life has unravelled many 'things' as of late i have done my best to keep a brave face. i am an incredibly private person. if something truly has impacted me to my core you will almost always find me quiet as i move about my normal business.

over the past five months i have been stretched, stressed, impacted, torn down, built up, etc in ways i never thought possible. i have no details of my life to share since there are always things in your life you just should not make public. there have been a few more times lately where i get a little fed up with being strong, put together, having most of the answers and staying hopeful.

there are times where i do wish i had the personality to let go, be dramatic and/or go MIA for a bit. but i dont. i have a God given gift to constantly be pushing forward, pushing for better and to never settle. yes this can be a bit of damper if you are trying to live in the moment....however in times like these it is a life saver.

as of the past two days i have had the oddest feeling...so so many of my close, wonderful friends and bf have been going to through trying items in life. they are of significance but ones you know they will get through since they are the strongest people you know (i.e. break ups, losing jobs, getting a doctorate, etc)...since this has happened i have poured quite some time in to being there for them and being available and trying to be present for them. i am incredibly grateful for these people to let me into their lives. even if what you deal with can seem impossible, God tends to sent that reminder that you are not the only one going through things. we are truly never alone.

mundane.

Silly title...I know. There is nothing mundane about my life....because I am alive.

I went home for Easter and my dad was remodeling one of the bathrooms and the basement had flooded, along with several other houses in the neighborhood. So all four of us kids shared one bathroom that is usually only my brother's (poor man) and without the basement there was no longer two more bedrooms and a guest room....SO LUCKY ME....I got to sleep on the couch and rise with my parents and dogs and go to bed with the teenagers well after midnight. So, despite being exhausted, I would say I got the most out of my three day weekend with my family. And it was Megan's birthday and so I got to see her wee little face, along with some great girls. <3

I am still tired.
And this week is the busiest work has been in two months.
BUT, I am going to California the first week in May...I am super excited about that one.

Also...I am obsessed with how beautiful my sisters are.

unusual.

life these past few months has been a bit surreal...so many changes, both internally and externally. i have found that it is my full time job to trust that God is going to take care of me and those i love EVERY day.

i actually fail at this every day. i think i am a little high strung and tend to stress very easily over things i cannot control. it is now time to let that all go. there is not enough room in a day to fret and think negatively.

i was a bit shocked the other day when i was talking to one of my close friends. we haven't caught up on the trials of our lives in a while and yet after a bit of conversing we found we were somewhat in the same position. both trying so hard to fix things, work towards things, idolizing things, trying to control everything, asking 'what else can i do? there has to be something more for me to do.'

this time when we talked God was present. Speaking through my friend, "Trust God. He can do anything and He needs to be priority and come first in life. He knows what's best for you and if you're obedient He will bless you." this meant so much more because i know my friend is still undecided about his belief in God. i went to bed last night feeling a little silly...woke up feeling great. my hearts still beating, i still have a purpose. gotta live each day, no matter what it may bring, until that purpose is revealed to me.

23.

oh hello. usually i am good at staying on top of this blog thing but lately my mind has been filled with so much i can't compell myself to write. so i will try today and it will probably end up being too long.

some things that have happened since last we spoke:

1. i turned 23 years old, my dad turned 46 five days before that...i think that is cool. yet his number sounds younger than mine, NOT FAIR. i got to be with my family on my birthday and i think that is probably the best gift i have had to date.

2. i went to spokane for a nice long weekend. it still seems so odd to me that the people i was a 'youngin' to and my friends of the grade i would have graduated in...don't live at whitworth any more. i am so happy for all they are doing but i truly truly miss them and am still trying to adapt to life without them steps away.

3. a girl went to heaven long before she should have. a darling girl i had the pleasure of knowing when i led youth group at shiloh hills fellowship. Robin was just 17 when she lost her battle with cancer, one she knew was coming but wouldn't let get in the way of her living each day to the fullest. i try to think of how this has made me feel, the people around me and those whom were closest to her but i haven't really come up with anything.

i don't pretend to know a lot or have all the answers but i do know God has given me a lot of wisdom for my age...but one thing i have not been able to grapple with is death. i feel like it always sets me back in my pursuit to find God in every day. that and divorce. i already have a blog post about my hatred of divorce so i wont elaborate.

but anyways. my life is still moving in a positive direction, even if that is slower than i like. life isn't about what is coming, what has come or what you will eventually accomplish. life is about recognizing each day as a gift and never giving up. if you have a pulse you have a purpose. never forget that.

PS long distance sucks but i get to see devin tonight and even though work is annoyingly stressful right now...i am simply giddy.

Lessons Learned in Vegas

this post....speaks for itself. come to whatever conclusion you like, i truly do not mind. and yes i will tell you the story behind them if you ask. :)

1. This is life….spray tans fade.

2. Never get too drunk you can't apply your fake eye-lashes.

3. Men can be great wingmen, especially when intoxicated.

4. Do not try and fool with bouncer with neck tats.

5. Tequila is never a good idea after 1:00 am…

6. Open the window…your room smells better.

7. Just because McDonald's falls on the floor, doesn't mean you can't eat it.

8. 100 oz of AMF is the same price as 100 oz of beer....choose wisely.

9. NEVER go that hard on the first night.

10. Just because they are over 50, doesn't mean your parents won't go harder than you. (sometimes its best not to compete)

11. Similar to Cinderella's carriage turning back into a pumpkin at midnight...that is also when free drinks end.

12. Bathrooms are dangerous.

13. Always eat dinner...but maybe not with a screaming ape.

14. If you dress up in a flashy color, you will win at craps.

15. There will inevitably be something in your room you cannot explain.

THANKS to the Swifts and the Heiders for a weekend I will never forget....

be still.

so...as i recently posted, i went to las vegas and i would love to post my 'lessons learned in vegas' list but there has been something a bit more pressing i wanted to write about.

lately it seems everywhere i turn, every one is hurting. A LOT. pain is pressing on our hearts. from personal issues to those that are causing huge political drama like Syria. i cannot help feel like our world is engulfed at the moment. i can't help but relate pain to quick sand. when you fall into quicksand the worst thing you can do is squirm around and flail and such...you will sink that much faster. but if you be still, you have more time for someone to come to your rescue.

this metaphor encourages me because i know that i am never alone. so many times when i fall in quicksand i want to squirm and fight back and push through, and i would be lying if i said this never worked...sometimes it does. but without fail, if i am still and know that God is God...i will be rescued. i will be pulled out and set on dry land.

our world tells us to keep pushing and fighting and we will get through but what God says is sometimes that won't work. sometimes we just won't know what to do anymore...so just be where you are. embrace what you are feeling and trust that you will be rescued. He did pull Jonah from the belly of a fish didn't He?

Jonah 2:1-9

vampires.

i'm going to Vegas tomorrow, for four days, jealous? ok you can come too.

1. this morning i was getting ready for work and upon looking at myself in the mirror i noticed all my crazy veins (i am VERY veiny, which was endowed to me by my mother). but seriously, i am. so anyways, my first thought this morning was 'wow...good thing vampires aren't real because i would have had my blood sucked a long time ago.' yes i am a nerd.

2. another reason my veins are so in yo face is because i am not in the slightest bit tan...i am borderline translucent.

3. my 'white-ness' has been annoying me lately because i am going to vegas, where inevitably everyone will be all tan and stuff because that is the 'cool/hot/sexy' thing to be. well for all those tan beezys, im sorry i cannot be on your level; but being that i have already had skin removed because they thought i had skin cancer AND melanoma runs in the fam....i will stick to pasty pastel. :)

but don't worry, i will just consider myself regal because historically speaking people used to paint themselves white, the whiter the better. so to all my brown and orange bitches...cheers to some serious fun in vegas and please, try not to be too jealous of veiny, translucent, vampire lusting skin.

different times.

i have never had such a full and fulfilling three day weekend. that may be a gross exaggeration, however, my weekend was wonderful.

friday...i worked late, worked out and took an evening to myself. yes...i stayed in on a friday evening and LOVED every moment of it. wowie. i have never been so happy to just hang out.

since i stayed in my saturday was free to be so productive and so full! gym time, starbucks lovin and seeing an old friend. rory buck is the older brother i never had. he came to whitworth when he was much older than the average freshman and had seen more of the world than most of us dream too. without much detail of the great blessings i received from this man...i misjudged just how wonderful it was to see him again, let alone watch him swim. i have never met a man work harder for something, even after he was dealt many unfortunate cards. rory will go to the olympic trials in South Africa this spring and it is with great determination i pray that it turns out exactly how he wishes.

well...makenzie swift being the best friend joined me on driving to linfield, many winding roads and small towns but it was a good time. we found an airplane museum that has a water park with an enormous TV playing ESPN...we will venture back there. we had a danish dinner that night, compliments of my roommate and then ventured downtown for SO MANY hours of entertainment at a great bar called Berbatis. makenzie got her iPhone stolen...again. pissed was an understatement of her emotion and i was flat out annoyed that people pull such sh*t.

Sunday was a pitiful day as neither team i wanted obtained the coveted 'W'...eli biggest pansy ever manning has something coming for him next week when i hope they get stomped by the 49ers.

sunday night i drove down and surprised devin. i was not prepared for how much it would put my heart at ease as well. i love that boy and i hate to see the amount of pressure he is under, but he is working towards his dream. a short 20 hours was the best time i have had since returning back to the couv.

now that i have bored you with my mildly exciting life. i am off. cheers to life and God's blessings.

i want this dog....

fix you.

Is this all there is to life? How do I make the most out of this? How do you know if you have found the one? How do you get over being terrified to get married? When does God tell you if you will ever have that miracle you have been praying for? Why do so many things you cannot control have to happen all at one time?

What Matters

i have not been myself for two days now. i just wrote an entire post of what i am so unhappy with and what i am grateful for. then i got over it and deleted everything but the following sentence remained, "a God that is always there."

instead of spending any minute detail complaining about anything...i will instead pray about it, no matter how ugly the words i have to say are. i choose to believe/trust that God will take care of life.

only four days

it has made me very happy today that its only a four day week. i have that inner-gut feeling that this week will NOT go by very quickly but instead drag on in reminding me that i am a full and active part of the real world.

but alas...this is life. i have just returned home from an enchanting 12 days in Spokane. yes...i used enchanting and spokane in the same sentence. christmas was wonderful, my family was beautiful as always and i got to spend time with good friends who are also in the real world so were still working in town. i don't know that i miss spokane, but i do know that i miss the people and the memories. when devin and i drove away on sunday we talked at length about how we weren't ready to leave this time and how the time we shared with the people we love just brought so much peace/joy to our lives.

i am now exhausted...spent little time sleeping over the past two weeks trying to balance still working and spending ample time with my family and friends...my mom calls it burning the candle at both ends. so after work i will do the grown up thing and grocery shop, start laundry and unpack and then will collapse into a heap on my bed and sleep a recommended number of hours.

i will post again this week of some of my favorite memories over the past week and a half but for now i want to end with the conversation devin and i had last night. devin has always been a blessing to my life because we either encounter things together or one of us has already walked that path. right now we are encountering being SO ANXIOUS together. for me: i have been in this new place for a little over six months and it has been quite easy (relatively speaking) and i never thought i would get to the point where i needed to pull myself back from thinking six months down the road. my good friend janna and i had a conversation about this a while ago and she bestowed me with some great wisdom. she was looking to two years down the road and she realized that she couldn't allow herself to waste those two years just because she was waiting for school to be done. so now...i pray and i push and dig at myself to not waste the next six months purely because of anticipation of what will happen next.