real talk.

i am a point in my life where i am a bit emotionally disconnected, which at times is good and can make transitions easier, but at other times when a real emotion hits you its very difficult and hard to shake.

i am terrified of love. yet thrive on the fact that it exists. i see unconditional love every day. i am surrounded (figuratively speaking) by people i know would do anything to ensure my happiness. lately i keep beating myself with the fact that i do not deserve it. when i feel that way it often makes me retreat back to solitude. solitude, is a relatively new thing to me. up until last year i filled every waking moment with people, places and adventures. i am ok with the down time i have inserted into my busy schedule, but gosh i miss not being so critical of myself. do you think this happens when you become an adult? when you realize the amount of responsibility that falls on your shoulders?

i am beyond blessed with such an open mind and open eyes to see beauty in damn near everything i encounter, but why must i not see the same beauty in the imperfection of myself. i realize that is a very real and vulnerable thought. i don't want the vanity and shallowness of this world to ever consume me like i have watched it consume so many people i love. this may be selfish but it is devastatingly hard to see people you love with all your heart try and make themselves people they aren't. in addition it makes them mad, resentful and mean.

i had an eating disorder growing up. i am the oldest and have two sisters. they are beautiful, seriously, like really really good looking.

anyways, my shallow need to control and compete with the world at a younger age brought doubt and untrue thoughts to my sisters' heads. that is a hard thing to live with. yet so interesting. IF i would have just loved my imperfections they may have seen that that is how life is supposed to be. but i didn't. but now, we got to work through it all together.

i will always go back to when Joe spoke about one of the most important commandments... 'love your neighbor as yourself'...he posed this question. if you do not love yourself, can you adequately love your neighbor?